Everything I build....

I feel as if I have just woken up, painfully realizing the worth of my plans, the idea that everything I have pursued has left me still searching. Everything. I realize that hours spent on the internet learning and gather useless information have been spent searching for something. What am I searching for? Purpose? Meaning? Worth?

I feel that I am putting my hope in education, that if I get a degree in Aeronautical Engineering I will have this crystalizing moment where I feel I am doing what I am meant to do. I am scared that at the end of this pursuit I will still feel exactly the same, still searching. I am learning that I love to teach and that I love to help people, maybe I should pursue those things. I have this feeling that designing airplanes is the prestigious path, that if I do that well I will be recognized and valued. I really haven't designed a thing in my life. I doodle, but never create anything. Looking at my friends I wonder if they feel the same. If they too feel this longing for what they are meant to be. Will it numb with time? Is it really just finding a middle ground between a job and something you enjoy? What do you do if you are told that you need to stop doing what you have pursued to this point? How do you start again, with the loss of your former self still fresh in your mind? Maybe this is the fuller realization that my plans are a joke, flawed from the start by virtue of their creator.

Everything I Build

The Stills

The tide is high
I've never been so low
You got room to grow

You can never look up
You can't ever look down
You get kicked around

But I built it with sand
and I built it with rock
I built it with all of the things that I'm not
And I watch from the hill
as it burns to the ground
I can still see the smoke
from a train out of town

Everything I build is breaking down
Everything I build is breaking down

I close my eyes
Scared of what I saw
Are you man at all?

Been an open book?
Been a slammed door?
Apple of the trojan war?

Drink a little bit
that's a little bit
Take a chance
or lose it all
I have no remorse no regrets
when I'm hanging from the seventeenth floor

Lives lost.

There have been several moments that have changed my world lately. The most painful have been relationships broken.

The Road and the Damned

Coheed and Cambria

I believed, in the world right in front of me,

But now, along these empty streets.

Where this curse haunts these memories,

Of a man and all he's lost.

No time to think about it. No room to breathe.

If I had a way back, I'd ride through the dark and the dawn

(But please don't wait for me)

Because the man you love don't live anymore.

I can't go home again.

Tonight you'll sleep.

No fear of what might become of me, my dear.

Within these end of days,

Where this longing turns this man to prey

On a love that yearns to die.

No time to live and doubt it

Girl, I'm worth the second chance. (What have I done?)

No time to think about it, no room to breathe.

If I had a way back, I'd ride through the dark and the dawn

(But please don't wait for me)

Because the man you love don't live anymore.

I can't go home again.

I believed in the world once in front of me, well now that's gone.

If I had a way back, I'd ride through the dark and the dawn

(But please don't wait for me)

Because the man you love don't live anymore.

I can't go home again.

Bye, goodbye. Bye, goodbye

Bye, goodbye, bye. Bye goodbye, my dear.

What strikes me the most about this song is the change from the first line, the loss of what you believed the world to be. I believed in the world once in front of me, well now that's gone.

I am not really one to hold grudges, but one thing I have a problem with is when somebody takes from me. I am a very generous person, but taking from me is very different. I am working on it and there are only two people that come to mind. It's a work in progress.

Days between there and here.

So, I am finally in California

moving.

Moving again so soon seems kinda strange. It's going to be great, Don''t get me wrong, but it will

be nice to live somewhere for more than a year. 

Trips to the airport.

So for those who have not heard, Austyn and I are still in alaska. Our flight was canceled to seattle on the 22nd, seems that they have problems handling large amounts of snow. I ended up taking austyn home and waiting in the airport for 6 hours with these two friends.  Well we ended up having a lovely Christmas up here and tonight we are off again to (hopefully) get to colorado saturday night.

a post about posts

hi all. as i've come to realize moving to alaska makes staying in touch rather difficult, i am going to try and really get with this Blogosphere thing. at this point the webernet is here to stay and i mat as well jump on the bandwagon. more to follow.

had to happen some time...

So the more i travel, the more i realize that Denver did something right afterall in their airport. ya just need to move past the whole canvas roof thing, and the parking nazis, and well... the worst possable location, to realize that there is something redeeming about that airport.

They have really large bathrooms.
As i fly to more and more places i realize that most airports have like....2 urinals in any one bathroom, aaaand it sucks. so it seems that when designing DIA, they saw that problem and had the perfect answer. just put like 22 urinals in every bathroom. all of them. don't care where they are. so you can be the only one in a concourse and walk into the bathroom to an empty hall of urinals, and there's something nice about that. strange i know.

maybe it because of the heat, or being in texas, or something like that, but the landing at DFW sucked. sceriously. the guy was jockeying the throttles the whole approach, then he about locked up the brakes because he almost missed our taxiway. ya. but they were giving out mints when we arrived. which hasnt happened to me before, or since, so i think its what they make the pilot who did the shotty landing do if he really screws up. so in my striving to be witty i made up a mock conversation betweek me and the shotty pilot.

Shotty pilot: Thanks for flying with us!
Me: (Holding up mint) This doesnt make up for that landing.
Shotty pilot: (Mildly erked) I'm sorry, so you know how to fly an MD-80?
Me: Do You?

And thats when i walk up the jetway to try and find my next gate, because as i mentioned, this is DFW, and it's pretty much shaped like one of those peanuts with 3 nuts in it. so i had to hop on the tram and go over 2 stops to try and find my gate.
but in all reality i didnt say anything of the sort, and if i had i really would of fely bad about it, because ya i've got like 150 hours flying, but whoever was flying that landing had 6 times that, at least. so really i just smiled and walked up the jetway to find something to eat, i had hopes of finding a book too, but all the bookstores there sucked too. oh well. florida is really nice though. so its a great time after all.

sceriously

so 83 months later i am back.
for those of you.. not here, im at Redstone College of Aviation, i'm on my second block of class now, and i'm actually doing well in school. its a great change of pace from.... we most of my schooling so far.
i've got a 4.0gpa.
i've never had that before.
i've only had one class, but it's still cool to see on a report card.

i realized today that, on days where the weather isn't very condusive to flying, i should be working, not watching a movie at home. i have a lot of negative monies. that is a bad blace to be really. so yeah, working is good, even if only for a couple hours a day.

it's cool getting to know some new people, these people i'm going to school with. its going to be the 18 of us more or less throughout the whole 18month program. that's pretty cool.

We are going to have a field trip on day 20 of the class and we can bring friends, and much to my luck, Austyn will be in town then, so she's going to meet my friends from school, how cool is that?

also, im going to flordia this month for a long weekend, that will definately be nice. yeah. that's all really. i'll post more...

i promise.

really.

Bford

crappy McCrapperson

so on my way to the airport, i realized i forgot my cell phone charger. then i realized i forgot my computer charger. then when i got to security i realized i forgot my laptop. suck.

chicago is fantastic.
Austyn is fantastic,
the former might have a strong influence on the latter.
godspeed,
bford

blog #342334.332342

yeah. i'm trying again.
blogging.
there are people i want to stay in contact with and this seems like a good way to do so.
stay tuned.
i may post some pictures.
or words.
maybe pictures of words.
BFord